Look out, Gervais.

Quite recently, The Boss informed me that I really ought to be doing something constructive with my time. Particularly in light of the fact that the vast majority of it is under-utilised, and largely drawing no revenue of any kind. Actually, she put it less like that, and more along the lines of, “How about you get off your large hairy white arse and get a job of some kind.”

Either way, the subsequent employment ad surfing turned up a couple of interesting positions that I deemed suitable, and that I might be in some way qualified to fill. Out of some several thousand, this figure (two) may on the surface seem a bit depressing. Well, only if you give it much consideration.

Anyway, one of the ‘jobs’ – using the term quite loosely – was for movie and TV extras. Right up my street, I thought, seeing as I seem to be somewhat surplus at the present. And, of course, dashingly good-looking. So, I bunged a quick CV together to suit (with the handsomeness bit played down out of modesty), and fired it off to the agency. For your edification, here’s the bulk of it:


To Whom It My Concern,
I read with interest your advertisement seeking extras for film & TV work. Having a spot of spare time at the present and a desire to do something interesting (i.e. nothing better to do) with it, I feel that this is a good fit for me.

Of course, I have a ‘normal’ resume filled with some of the most crushingly boring employment history you’re every likely to come across – but as none of it makes me look either a) Cool or b) Like a potential star, I’ve not bothered including it.
What I can tell you is that I starred in my Primary school’s Year 5 (1983) video production; so without wishing to overstate the case, I clearly come armed with a prodigious talent. The fact that I‘ve done bugger all conventional performance work since should be of little concern, as my skills have been honed through a lifetime of pretending to be a normal person.

My other great strength for this type of work is that I am not devastatingly handsome enough to divert attention from your lead characters, and I’ve never to my knowledge made anyone weak with desire. In point of fact, I feel I’m in a position to provide you with a no-swoon guarantee. Conversely, neither (I am informed) am I quite repulsive enough to draw interest. I’m sure you’d agree, this finely-tuned balance is a rare gift that barely three quarters of the population possess.

I also take direction quite well, having been married for a number of years, and utterly whipped for all of those.

Finally, as are indeed all great artists, I’m extremely poor.

Clearly, I am custom made for the job.

P.S. I feel duty bound to inform you that as of yet I have not seen Jimeoin’s documentary on the subject, but am willing to sit through it if you believe it will help.

Yours, etc. etc. etc.




I then go on to state my various physical attributes, with which I’ll not either bore or arouse you here, depending on your various predilections and whatnot. I also included a bit of a piccie; you know, for that extra bit of ‘ka-pow’ and all that.

The concerning thing about it all is that, some days after advising the advertiser of my suitability, I’ve heard nothing back from them.

Maybe they’re waiting to hear back from Ridley, or something.