On a lack of depth

Here it is then. Finally proven, beyond all shadow of doubt. You could hang on this evidence.
I refer, obviously, to the most often – and yet least plausibly – denied difference between two of the three sexes that make up the human race. That’s right, I can now show unequivocally that:

Women Are More Shallow Than Men.

Scoff and choke all you like out there, but you know it’s true. It’s not as though there haven’t been clues. All through history, sprightly and variously inflated young ladies have been hitching their wagon to the fading star of some wrinkly billionaire. Life expectancy being what it is, these same young ladies tend to enter their mid twenties with shiploads of cash and a propensity to bathe often. It’s always happened, and not once has it been a shock.

However as a scheme it has had its low points, I’ll admit.
There was that bubbly, vivacious lady (read: drug addict) with too many first names... drawing a blank right now, but you know the one. Married a three hundred year old oil man, and then got zip when he popped his clogs a not particularly unseemly amount of time later. I felt she got dudded there, because after all it was just a business arrangement that could have worked well for both of them.

Knowing what the argument against this will be, let’s get it out in the open now. ‘But men do that too’. Yes, but only with Liz Taylor; and those guys are invariably gay, notthattheresanythingwrongwiththat. I don’t have any idea what’s going on there, and I don’t wanner. Ewwwww.

But all argument must now cease, as I have the definitive comparison that will end speculation for all time.

First of all, let’s have a quick squint at our man Tiger Woods. Where do we start with this dude? He’s a kind of goofy-looking black man, and by all accounts he’s a cheap, mean dork.

Not to mention the name. I don’t know about you, but when I want to address someone in a slightly disparaging way, I’ll apply one of several monikers to them. Muscles, Bro, Captain, Matey, they all work. But when I want to really stick the boot in, there’s only one arrow in the quiver that will do: ‘Tiger’. Delivered with a casual hair-ruffle, there’s no better back-handed insult.

Yet all of the foregoing aside, he’s quite good at sports. Well, golf anyway. And because of this, the guy’s got enough money to give the mafia loans, and is really really famous.

On the strength of that, he has managed to marry himself a ridiculously hot Nordic model, with whom he seems to have produced some rather odd-looking children. Oh, admit it. Then – and this is the kicker - at the same time he’s collected a couple of dozen similarly attractive (white) girlfriends. All of whom were really quite nice, loved him for him, and weren’t in any way slutty at all.
Inevitably he got totally busted, both figuratively, and as it turned out literally, by his good lady wife. And yet despite all that went after that caning*, he’s still married to said tasty golden-hued chick.

(*Don’t even get me started about ‘Sex Addiction’, because there is simply no such thing. Dude just likes to bang chicks a lot. Or to put it another way, lots of chicks. The only men who went on about all of that being so shameful could also be seen visibly cowering under the furrowed-brow glare of their wives and/or mothers. Bunch of Seymour Skinners, the lot of ‘em.
The other thing is that after seeing the way his missus handled a golf club, you'd have to say that on balance Tiger's lucky he wasn't a javelin champion...)

Then, there is Exhibit ‘B’. This person has become an overnight singing sensation since bursting into the limelight a year or so ago. And despite taunts from Simon Cowell – who is if nothing else an ugly and jealous old lady – has gone on to be a household name worldwide. Lucrative recording contracts recently announced confirm that Susan Boyle is now indeed a millionaire several times over.

And yet... still a virgin.

Your worship, the defence rests.